Miniature Bacon Strips
by BridgitKiido
Summary: It's yet another Shakespeare parody! This time, watch as Elysia Hughes takes on the role of Hamlet. Discontinued.
1. Act 1 Scene 1

**Miniature Bacon Strips**

a _Fullmetal Alchemist_ style parody of William Shakespeare's _Hamlet_

by BridgitKiido

Disclaimer: _Fullmetal Alchemist_ was (and is still being) written by Hiromu Arakawa. _Hamlet_ is a play written by William Shakespeare. I am neither of those people.

**Act 1 Scene 1**

New characters featured in this scene (**Role**: FMA character + description):

**Barnardo**: Miles, a Major in the Amestris military. His family is of all sorts of different races, but he happened to inherit Ishvallan characteristics (red eyes and dark skin).

**Francisco**: Olivia Armstrong, a Major General in the Amestris military. Although she is Alex Armstrong's oldest sister and therefore has the blond hair and characteristic eyelashes of the family, she is very little like her younger brother.

**Horatio**: Nina Tucker, the very young daughter of state alchemist Shou Tucker. She is almost never seen without her large pet dog, Alexander. For the sake of this story, she is close friends with Elysia Hughes.

**Marcellus**: Sheska, a cliché bookworm and a librarian for the Amestris military.

**The Ghost**: Maes Hughes, caring family man and Brigadier General in the Amestris military (regardless of the strange people who will attempt to get you to believe that his actual rank is called Commodore). Lately, he was killed under mysterious circumstances, and although all of the readers know that it was Envy that did it, somehow the other characters haven't put two and two together yet. For the sake of this story, let's assume the Maes!Pride theory discussed in "Excessive Pride" is at least partially true.

* * *

It was a little bit after midnight, and Central Headquarters' hallways were very dark. That is, except for the area around which Major Miles was keeping watch. As there was no one around, he was twirling his sunglasses in his hand and humming an unidentified tune. 

"If you keep humming like that, anyone who decides to invade will know you're there."

Miles, somewhat startled, leapt to his feat and stood immediately at attention, replacing his glasses frantically as he recognized the voice. "Please forgive me, General Armstrong."

As Major General Olivia Armstrong stepped into the dim light, she sighed. "At ease, Miles. I was just passing through to retire for the night. Although I'm still not sure exactly why we were called to Central to begin with."

"Maybe it has something to do with the homunculi, ma'am?" Miles suggested.

"It's not about the homunculi," came another voice. Olivia and Miles both turned to see Sheska accompanying Nina Tucker through the building. Sheska nervously pushed her glasses further up her nose as she continued, "After all, Nina is supposed to be dead. I think it has something to do with the letters we got from someone who calls themselves the "Authoress"."

Nina piped up, "Edward-nii-chan was telling me earlier about how last time someone called the "Authoress" sent him a letter, he was forced to play the role of a witch in a play that starred Fuhrer King Bradley. Maybe that's what's going on again."

Olivia considered this. "Well, that would explain why that weird guy named Envy is calling himself the king right now. And the fact that Brigadier General Maes Hughes is standing in a semi-transparent manner right beside me."

For indeed, it was true. While the four of them had been talking, Maes Hughes had somehow managed to sneak up behind them and was now standing next to the eldest daughter of the Armstrong family. He was also tapping his foot in an impatient manner.

Sheska nearly fainted from the shock. "G-g-g-g-General Hughes? But you're supposed to be dead!"

Nina shrugged. "I also get that a lot." Upon receiving the ghostly General's glare, she continued, "I mean, um… _By heaven, I charge thee, speak._"

Maes nodded slightly before walking away, behind the door frame.

Olivia sweatdropped. "Okay… what was that about? The last time I saw something as strange as that was the time Sloth showed up at Briggs."

Sheska attempted to regain her composure before replying, "I think it's the Authoress' Maes!Pride theory. She's still not convinced by what happened in chapter 70, so it's still in effect here."

Miles flipped through a small notebook and replied, "According to this particular play's canon, General Maes Hughes was the king here, and he even managed to kill Fuhrer King Bradley of the neighboring country, which is now led by Roy Mustang. But then Maes Hughes mysteriously died, and Envy somehow managed to become king and by some strange circumstance married the General's wife, Gracia."

Nina piped up, "Don't forget that Elysia is the princess."

At that note, Maes popped his head into the room again, but before he could say anything, the sound of a rooster's crowing was heard, and he was forced to retreat.

The four of them looked at each other blankly before all shrugging. Sheska broke the silence by saying, "I think Elysia would want to hear about this."

Nina nodded, and the two of them left to go find Elysia.

* * *

_Author's note: Nii-san is Japanese for older brother. I could in theory use the English counterpart, but I think that nii-san sounds cuter. And I'm fully aware that Olivia and Miles are probably completely out of character. Please forgive me for that…_


	2. Act 1 Scene 2

**Miniature Bacon Strips**

a _Fullmetal Alchemist_ style parody of William Shakespeare's _Hamlet_

by BridgitKiido

Disclaimer: _Fullmetal Alchemist_ was (and is still being) written by Hiromu Arakawa. _Hamlet_ is a play written by William Shakespeare. I am neither of those people.

**Act 1 Scene 2**

New characters featured in this scene (**Role**: FMA character + description):

**King Claudius**: Envy, a homunculus with the ability to transform. Also known as the annoying palm tree, because his favored form has a hair style that looks very similar to palm fronds. The reason why this character is so well liked escapes the Authoress' sense of logic.

**Queen Gertrude**: Gracia Hughes, a calm and caring housewife. Well, calm whenever Envy _isn't_ pretending to be her husband.

**Cornelius**: Scar, an Ishvallan man who is wanted for the deaths of several State Alchemists. He holds a grudge against them for massacring much of his homeland.

**Voltemand**: Scar's unnamed brother, a peaceful Ishvallan man.

**Laertes**: Alphonse Elric, a boy turned armor turned boy again. He probably would have some objections to this whole thing, but the Authoress is giving him a free kitten for participating, and he loves kittens.

**Polonius**: Van Hohenheim, Alphonse's father and an accomplished alchemist himself. He isn't a very good father though, as he has been away for around ten years or so.

**Hamlet**: Elysia Hughes, Maes and Gracia's daughter. She is a very sweet girl, though a little bit overprotected by her father, and would never ever angst at all. Ironic, as she has been casted as the most depressed and insane character.

* * *

"So, you're saying that Fuhrer Roy Mustang is planning an attack on this land?" Envy asked impatiently, tapping his foot as he sat in the throne that had been hastily put up. After receiving annoyed nods from both Scar and his brother, he continued, "In that case, go somehow make sure that it doesn't happen." After Scar and his brother nodded and left the room, the former making several curses, Envy turned to Alphonse. "And now, _what wouldst thou have, _Alphonse Elric?"

Alphonse, however, did not respond, as he was too busy petting the two kittens that he held in his arms: one grey one named Timmy, and one significantly younger, orange one. He was muttering to the latter, "So, what should I call you? It has to be something that goes well with Timmy…"

"Ahem," Envy cleared his throat, which got Alphonse's attention.

"_Your leave and favor to return to France_," the boy replied. "I want to go see Noa, after all. I haven't talked to her in a while, and I want to know what's been happening with her."

Envy thought this over for a minute before replying, "As long as Hohenheim says it's fine, I will let you do that."

"I'm fine with it," Hohenheim replied quietly, standing off to the side.

Envy stretched out in his chair. "It's good to be king." It took him a minute, however, to notice that Elysia and Gracia were also standing close by; the former was dressed in all black, and the latter was holding a random bag of flour. "Ah, it's you guys. What's wrong, Elysia? Why are you dressed in black?"

Elysia replied, "You can't have forgotten him already, could you? Just because those really mean people buried Daddy doesn't mean he's not coming back! And yet here you all go forgetting that he ever existed…"

Envy waved it off. "Come on, Elysia. It's been a month already. Yeah, he died, it was sad. That's over now."

Gracia took a stern tone. "Now Envy, leave Elysia alone. It's been hard, losing her father like this." She sighed. "It's been hard on me too."

Envy continued to wave it off. "Whatever. Mourn if you want; I really don't care. Now, if you'll excuse me, there's a feast in my honor. Finally, I'm getting the recognition I rightfully deserve." He left the room with a smirk, and the Elrics and Gracia were obliged to follow, leaving only Elysia left in the room.

Elysia, now alone, pulled out a packet of paper. "Let's see… Soliloquy number 1. _O, that this too, sullied flesh would… melt?_ I don't get it." She read a little bit farther before bursting slightly into tears and running over to the side of the room and pulling Gracia back in. "Mommy, Mommy, I don't get it. Why is this Hamlet guy so intent on killing himself? Why would someone do that?"

Gracia looked over the paper quickly before forlornly smiling and, kneeling before her daughter, replying, "Elysia, honey, here Hamlet isn't talking about planning to kill himself. He's reminding himself that he isn't allowed to do that. There's a big difference."

"Really?"

Gracia nodded.

"Okay, Mommy," Elysia replied, and Gracia, with her work done, left the room once again. Then, of course, who should enter but Sheska and Nina, who was now riding on Alexander.

"Hey Elysia, guess what?" Nina called out before dismounting from atop her canine friend.

"What is it, Nina?" Elysia asked.

"I saw your Dad."

"Really? When?"

"Just this last night. He's been haunting the hallway where the Briggs militia is currently being stationed. Do you want to come tonight and see him?"

"Sure thing!"

"Okay, see you tonight then?"

"Yep, see you then!"

Sheska watched the exchange and could only say, "Um… wasn't I supposed to have a line or two in there?"

* * *

_Author's Note: The bag of flour thing? That was from a role-play I once participated in called Lifestyles of the Full and Metal. Somehow, the bag of flour that Gracia purchased during that role-play managed to become the mascot. She also wound up going extremely mentally unstable…_


	3. Act 1 Scene 3

**Miniature Bacon Strips**

a _Fullmetal Alchemist_ style parody of William Shakespeare's _Hamlet_

by BridgitKiido

Disclaimer: _Fullmetal Alchemist_ was (and is still being) written by Hiromu Arakawa. _Hamlet_ is a play written by William Shakespeare. I am neither of those people.

**Act 1 Scene 3**

New characters featured in this scene (**Role**: FMA character + description):

**Ophelia**: Edward Elric, Alphonse's older brother and a state alchemist. Has a metal right arm and left leg, and has a huge temper. Needless to say, he does not want to be doing this.

* * *

"Alphonse?"

"Hmm?" The younger blond turned towards his older brother expectantly, an innocent smile on his face as his hands continued to pet the two nearby kittens. Edward, however, did not look happy.

"Would you care to explain to me why we're doing this _again_?" the older teen asked in a dangerous tone.

Al smiled even wider. "Because we get free kittens again, nii-san!"

Ed was not amused. "And why am I here then? In case you haven't noticed, I'm not a cat person."

"Because you wanted to make sure I didn't get into trouble!" Al was still smiling. "Besides, it's fun. You'll see."

"That's easy for you to say…" Ed replied. "You weren't casted to the role of a GIRL!"

"…And?"

Edward turned around and began to scream in frustration.

Al merely laughed happily. "Well, I'm off to go see Noa then. Oh, and um… stay away from Elysia. Mr. Hughes wouldn't be happy if he found out…"

"About what?" Ed was now giving his younger brother a death glare.

"Well… Hamlet and Ophelia have a… relationship…"

"Alphonse." Ed interrupted.

Al gulped. "Yes, nii-san?"

After a moment's pause, the older brother continued, "Now do you see why I don't want to be doing this? I'm not in love with Lieuten – I mean, Brigadier General Hughes' daughter! And I never will be!"

"But your characters are! In fact, the point of this scene is me telling you not to!"

Before Edward could respond, who should enter the room but Van Hohenheim. Ed immediately turned away from the door and muttered something along the lines of, "And what exactly is _this_ bastard doing here?"

Hohenheim turned to Al and, reading a note card, stated, "_Yet here,_ Alphonse? _Aboard, aboard, for shame!_ And some more ranting about going off on your trip that I don't really feel like reading."

"I'm going now," Al replied, carefully picking up his kittens before leaving the room, still smiling.

Hohenheim also turned to leave, but before doing so he stated, "Oh, and Ed? Stay away from Elysia. You wouldn't want to get Mr. Hughes angry, would you?"

Hohenheim left the room just before Ed exploded, "I am NOT in love with Elysia Hughes! Why can't anyone understand that?"


	4. Act 1 Scenes 4 and 5

**Miniature Bacon Strips**

a _Fullmetal Alchemist_ style parody of William Shakespeare's _Hamlet_

by BridgitKiido

Disclaimer: _Fullmetal Alchemist_ was (and is still being) written by Hiromu Arakawa. _Hamlet_ is a play written by William Shakespeare. I am neither of those people.

**Act 1 Scenes 4 and 5**

New characters featured in this scene (**Role**: FMA character + description):

Believe it or not, there aren't any new characters.

* * *

Elysia yawned. "It's getting late…" 

"But he doesn't come out unless it's late at night," Nina countered.

Sheska muttered nervously, "At least we don't have to worry about Envy noticing what we're doing – he _doth wake tonight and takes his ruse_…" Sensing the young children's confusion, she added, "Which means he's getting drunk."

"Oh," Nina and Elysia replied.

At that moment, Maes popped into visibility, causing Sheska to nearly faint. Elysia, however, smiled and waved, calling, "Hi Daddy!"

Maes smiled and, without speaking, beckoned to his daughter. Nina whispered loudly into Elysia's ear, "I think he wants to talk to you."

Elysia nodded, and she began to walk toward her father. Sheska, however, stopped her, saying, "But, Elysia, what if that's not really your father? _What if it tempt you toward the flood… or to the dreadful summit of the cliff… _what if… what if… what if…?"

Elysia smiled. "Silly Sheska, Daddy would never do that. You've been reading too much science fiction." She then bounced off happily toward her father, and they left the room.

Sheska and Nina looked toward each other. Nina asked, "Should we listen in at the door?"

Sheska nodded, and the two of them proceeded to do so.

* * *

"It's so great to see you, Daddy!" 

"I'm so happy to see you too, Elysia." Maes was nearly in tears as he sat across the small table from his daughter. "I just wish I had more time…"

"What's wrong?" Elysia asked.

"Elysia," Maes replied, "you have to avenge my death. No… not death, murder."

Elysia gasped. "Who killed you?"

"It was Envy. Every time, it's been Envy. In the canon, he shot me by the phone booth. In last year's play, he stabbed me with a knife. This year, it was ear poison."

Elysia got a determined look. "Don't worry, Daddy; I'll definitely avenge you!"

Maes smiled. "Thank you, Elysia. But don't forget that he's a homunculus. It'll take a lot more than just a sword to kill him."

Elysia nodded. "I know, Daddy."

Maes stood up and gave Elysia a hug before disappearing, leaving Elysia to wave after him.

Sheska and Nina then accidentally stumbled into the room. Nina muttered, "I told you we shouldn't have leaned up against the door itself…"

Elysia walked over to them and asked, "You were listening?"

Sheska sniffed sadly. "Yes, we heard everything. What a tragedy…"

"In that case, will you promise not to tell anyone?"

From beneath the floor boards, they could hear Maes call out, "_Swear_."

Nina pointed to the ground and asked, "Is he supposed to do that?"

Elysia shrugged. "It's in the script. I think he's supposed to be playing a game of Whack-a-Mole with us. But anyway, pinky swear that you won't tell anyone?" She held out her pinky.

"Pinky swear," Nina and Sheska replied, and they connected their pinkies with Elysia's.


End file.
